Great Balls of Fire

It was once stated to me, "...that will be one of those memories that flashes before me as I die." The words were absolutely perfect and absolutely true. The statement presented in the context of a happy moment in life. I like that idea of my memories flashing before me as I pass away. I imagine that all such memories are not just happy memories. I think it would be wrong to imagine it as such. Life is so much more than happy. Some of my most powerful memories root themselves in loss under such terms of death, leaving home, not having a dad around for a few years, and personal sacrifice in family time. For many of these memories, oddly, I fear forgetting them, thus I keep photographs or physical reminders around me. On my wall is a picture of Columbia's last re-entry as seen on the cover of "Times" with the caption, "The Columbia is lost." The crew's faces, mannerisms, and days on orbit remain burned into my thoughts. In my truck, I keep reminders of my dogs who passed away. For a long time, I kept tokens of injuries that ended my chances of advancing into the world of soccer. And yep, somewhere I have memories of past romantic relationships. Some of these memories feel more like scars than memories. I have noted this to be the case especially with the death of some patients. These patients are the ones who in my mind shouldn't have died yet. When this happens I find myself flashing back to the Columbia's balls of fire. As a kid, I pictured doctors to be these people who could strike down death with fierce unwavering intention to pull people back into the living. Back then, I secretly wanted to be that guy. I wanted to pull people back who shouldn't die yet...along with saving the world from something. I now know that guy really doesn't exist most of the time. However, every now and then if you are in the right place at the right, then you get to be that person. You get to be the person who says, "Not now, not today." When those moments occur then just maybe I will get to see them again right before I die.