The Guilt In My Education

I love to run, because it is my time to meditate…just me, the path, a slight breeze, and the faint background noise of my lungs keeping pace with my feet. During a recent run, I had a thought that I haven’t been able to shake, but what is more is that perhaps I should try to shake it and instead just embrace it. I have come to the interesting paradox: my education, my training in the explicit field of healing and doing no harm comes at the price of causing some pain and absorbing emotional distress. In other words, the sad truth of becoming a physician or surgeon comes at the hand of making mistakes, eliciting pain, learning the boundaries of a salvageable situation, and most importantly learning how to put myself in my patient’s position. The patients I come in contact with are already in a great deal of discomfort and pain, and to think I could add to their dilemma kind of scares me a little. I’m okay with the fear. Such a fear is completely natural and expected. I have learned to take my fears in stride and not let them stop me, although I still find it easier to address and overcome fears where the end item only affects me and not others. But then again, I think life should be lived altruistically, at least most of the time. When at all possible, life should be paid forward. This is the philosophy I choose to undertake. Pay everything forward. Do your best for others and only hope they can do the same for someone else. Holding true to this philosophy, I find dealing with the aforementioned paradox and fear to be a little more manageable. But, what about all the stupid people in this world? What about them? Charity. Just realize we are all doing the best we can. Protect those of us who are vulnerable and stricken, then remember, “We are all doing the best we can do.”

On a side note, during the same run, this thought was premised by wonderful realization that I was in medical school and working towards something I full-heartedly believe in. It all still feels like a dream that I am going to wake up from. The truth is I hope I never wake up.